FYI

Just to clear a few things up.

Yes I am at getting married at 21. No I’m not pregnant. And no I don’t want to get married young so that I can have 10 kids before I’m 35.

Just to make sure people know that… though by now I’m pretty sure people have figured out a baby bump is not gonna show ;)

And no. Even though I am a nanny my dream job is not to work at a day care and it is especially not to open my own little day care in my house. I shudder at the thought. I like kids… I’ll love my own kids. Which will not be arriving for about another 3 or 4 years. Knock on wood.

As we speak I am at work, it is after 10 at night, and I’m really ready to go home because I have a

awful headache. Emma has gotten up for a 3^rd time to tell me that there is something with green eyes staring at her from her closet. Poor kiddo. But honestly I’m pretty sure its more that she took a 2 hour nap today so she’s wide awake and ready to party. Not happenin.  But because I’m not totally heartless I’ll go up with her to make sure the green eyed monster doesn’t come out of that closet again. Which it wont. Because monsters don’t live in closets, which is something I’d like to tell my 5 year old self. I swore a hairy, gorilla like creature lived in the dark corner of my closet. I NEVER went back there.

Anyways. Peace out homies. Nighty night!

My self.

Because I feel like every post should have a picture...  Jersey Shore. Last summer.

 

Recently I read a blog post written by a photographer about her “artistic journey” I guess you could call it. It inspired me to be completely honest with myself. I’m hesitant to call myself an “artist”, and especially a “photographer”.

I’m hesitant because I don’t feel good enough. I compare myself much too often to everybody else. Lately, everybody and their mother has photography facebook page. They get a camera, take pictures, edit it to look vintage or over expose it, and now they’re photographers. Now don’t take me wrong, everybody has a beginning! If you like taking photos, then go for it! Read books on the subject, take classes, and experiment. Grow. But don’t under-value the people who have been doing this for years, make their living from it, paid money to learn more about it, and have real natural talent that they have put time and effort into cultivating. (Little side note: to all those people who need picture taking. Please hire someone who knows what they’re doing! If you ask so and so, who has cool pictures on facebook, to photograph your wedding, you’ll regret it!!! Anyways.) Because of this, I don’t call myself a photographer, I don’t feel educated enough or feel like I have had enough experience. I consider myself a student of photography. I’m figuring things out, finding my identity as an artist, and looking forward to learning about it and improving for the rest of my life.

I’m hesitant to call myself an artist for some of the reasons above. It seems like it’s the “cool” thing to do. Even starting this blog, I feel/felt a little bit of a poser.  But then I told myself to just do it, it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time! I love writing. I’ve always been one of those that have kept a journal. It keeps things in perspective for me. To be able to step back and put things down on paper (or the internet, as the case may be) helps me to see things differently. I love keeping memories. Blogging is another way to do that. Writing things down and putting up my photos. Especially this part of my life, planning a wedding, planning our life together, the first years of marriage; those are memories I’ll always love to think back on. I love sharing my photos. I want to share what I’m excited about, my view on things, the things I find beauty in, and to be a photo journalist of life.

I need to stop caring about what other people think. I need to stop weighing myself against others. I need to do what I think is beautiful, interesting, classic, or cool (for lack of a better word). I see other blogs, other facebook pages, or other photos, etc etc; and see all the good feedback that person is getting and cant help but to ask myself “why are they receiving support and not me? What am I doing wrong?”. But that’s self pity. So I tell myself it doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t make me feel not good enough.  As long as I like/love what I produced then that should be enough.

I’m an artist.

There I said it.

I love to create. Photography. Drawing. Writing. Fashion.

That’s me.

I didn’t develop this recently, or in the past couple years. I’ve always been this way. Ever since I can remember.

So feeling like a poser is silly. There are people who are better at things then I am. But someday I’m gonna be better than I am now. I don’t think I’m ever going to be completely satisfied with what I do. I always find something I wish I could change or do differently. I’m in the “gap”. I have good enough taste that makes it difficult for me to be totally satisfied with what I do, because I know it can be better. But I’m not quite to the point where IT IS as good as it can be. There’s a gap. I’m working on closing it. By golly I will!!! Somehow….still trying to figure out how exactly. Giving myself milestones to reach until I can say I’m an “artist” is unrealistic, there is always room for improvement.

I am an artist, and a student of photography. 

Well that was a little personal. SO out of my comfort zone. But hey, thats kind of the point. Getting myself out of my comfort zone.

This week is awesome because...

Photo from last spring. May Day tea party.

Things about this week that have been awesome:

1. SUMMER in march! Seriously? Really? A pig just flew by. I doubt this will last forever, but I am sure gonna enjoy it while its here.
2. Wearing sandals and dresses again. 
3. The birds that sing in the middle of the night. I don't know why they're outside my window singing at midnight, but I appreciate it.
4. The bowl of tulips on the kitchen table.
5. Blowing bubbles with Bella outside in the sun today.
6. Letting the kids play outside. All their energy gets spent. My job is easier. (And playing outside with them is fun too)
8. This was my last day of work for a week.
9. The Hunger Games comes out soon.
10. Cory and I fly out this weekend :)

The not so awesome things:
1. Henry, my laptop, is ill. I fear he might not make it :(. 
2. Some high hopes I had are looking like they won't work out. Always a huge bummer. I told myself it was unlikely so don't get excited, but hope always manages to creep in there and take root.

The weekend.

 What a handsome guy.

 Windy beach hair.

 Those eyes and freckles.

 

Cory is good at it.

 

Playing the game when you get as close to water as you can without getting wet. Cory lost.

Cory came home for the weekend :). 

Happy me! Happy weekend! 

Even though he was sick. Poor kid. I spent a lot of time making him take medicine, drink water, and keep his fever down. But he felt ok enough to have a short little adventure. We took a path through the woods that opened up onto the lake. Its glorious to be able to be outside in the sun and wind. Sitting on the beach with my guy. Listening to the waves. Feeling the cold sand. The wind in my hair. Good day. 

Just one more week till spring break! Then him and I get to fly away together :). 

Just to his family's in PA. But still.

We get to travel TOGETHER. To the same location! Instead of traveling away from each other! Ah! 

And then we get to drive his car back home. Road trip! 12 hours in a car will be interesting.

Awkward moment of today: 

(In case I've never mentioned this; I'm a nanny) Pulled into the driveway on time at 7 in the morning, and dropped my phone on the ground of my car. While leaning over at an extremely awkward angle to reach it. (Instead of doing the thing that makes sense and getting out of the car and get it.) I hit the horn. Because of the extremely awkward position I'm in I can't get off the horn until I untanlge myself. So at 7 in the morning in a quiet suburb neighborhood I'm laying on the horn for at least 5 seconds.

When I get inside my boss asked me if I was trying to think of a more imaginative way to wake up the kids.

Ha ha.

Heavy Questions.

I was listening to the radio the other day, a pastor that was speaking told a story. He knew a man that asked his son the same question every night when he tucked him in:


"If today turned out to be your last day on earth, would you be happy with how you lived it?"


.........woah.


What a question.

If I asked myself that every night, I wonder how differently I would live the next day? How different would my attitude be, the thoughts I think, the words I say, the things I do, how I treat others.

I think my day would go a lot differently.

Weekend.

     I'm not a big fan of snow. Its not that I hate snow specifically, its what the snow brings with it. But even I had to admit  that after fridays little storm it was gorgeous outside. Thats a winter wonderland right there!

 While I was trying to fall asleep friday night, I could hear all the trees creaking and groaning under the weight of the snow. I was very glad to wake up in the morning to find that no big branches fell and broke the house.

 A few people told me I should take more photos of my outfits. Sooooo....here is my shabby attempt. 

 I'm better behind the camera then in front. Definitely.

 I had a date with my dear friend whom I do not see enough. First we went to Panera. (they spelled my name right on my order!!! NEVER happens. But they renamed Emilie "E". I thought it made her sound  mysterious.) They had NO seating. We considered doing the "stand near a table and stare at the occupants until they realize they're taking up a table that we obviously need because we're awkwardly standing here holding our food" But we thought that might too rude. So we just went next door to Sbucks. There wasn't much room there either...but we squeezed ourselves in.

 

 She likes to pretend she's not photogenic. But I took this girls engagement pictures. And she is. Don't believe what she says. We had a merry time discussing weddings, fiances, figuring out what the heck we're doing, and all the adventures that are included in that. It was something I very much needed.

 Sunday afternoon. Brown dress. Brown tights. Brown mood.

Warm light.

It was another relaxed weekend. Coffee and lunch with a dear friend. Church on sunday. Mexican for lunch. And the evening spent in front of the fire with a book. 

I found out someone I knew died suddenly this weekend. He wasn't a friend, or even a acquaintance, but he was near my age and I saw him around through out the years. It shook me. I'm not too sure why...I suppose just because it made me think of how fragile everything is. So much of what I love and deem important are so temporary, they can be gone at any moment. The only thing I have that is permanent and forever is Christ. My salvation. My relationship with Him. I'm so thankful that I have that stability, that no matter what happens, I'll always have those things. I know the young man is in heaven, so I'm not sad for him. I'm sad for the ones who love him, and will now have to wait to see him again. To have to go on here without him. But I'm glad that they have the assurance that they will see him again. this has made me take another look at what I'm doing now in my life that actually counts for something.

I'm thankful for the hope that can't be taken away from me.

 

March comes in with a roar.

                                         Breakfast :). Sweater, slippers, glasses, toast, coffee, and a book.

  Went through my closet to try and de-clutter it. Was not successful. Wow, do you think I need more of a variety of color in my wardrobe? Yeesh.

                                                                                           And so it begins...

I usually have fridays off, and I love it. I take my time over breakfast, I clean my room, (I know its lame, but I really do enjoy cleaning my room) and generally do nothing. I also thought it would be a good time to work on wedding stuff. I've accomplished.......nothing. But I tried. There's so much to do I'm having a hard time deciding where to start.

On March 2nd, it decided to snow buckets, typical wisco. But its not too bad, it looks awfully pretty right now and in a week it will be gone! Anyways. For this new month I want to get better at a few things:

1. Take more photos. 

2. Exercise more regularly.

3. Make real progress on wedding stuff!

4. Make a concrete honeymoon plan.

5. Be thankful everyday.